Stop giving sh*tty feedback.

We’ve all been there. You’re sitting across from your manager, palms sweaty, heart racing, as they launch into a critique of your performance. By the end, you’re depressed, confused, and ready to update your damn resume!

Here’s the thing: feedback should empower, not deflate. Yet most managers stumble through the feedback process. They turn what should be a coachable moment into a negative situation that leaves everyone feeling worse off.

Don’t worry though. I’m about to show you exactly how to give feedback the right way.

After two decades of leading teams, I’ve witnessed the full spectrum of feedback – the good, the bad and the ugly. In this article, I’ve distilled my experience into 5 essential rules for giving effective feedback.

Whether you’re a seasoned manager or just starting out, these 5 essential rules will transform your approach to feedback and elevate your team’s performance. Ready? Let’s go… 

Why giving feedback is so important 

Most people don’t like giving or receiving feedback. It can feel uncomfortable, even frustrating at times. But here’s the truth: avoiding feedback is like avoiding exercise – it might be easier in the short term, but you’re screwing yourself in the long run. 

Feedback isn’t just important – it’s absolutely critical for your career and your company’s success. Without it, you’re essentially operating with blinders on. And those blind spots only grow larger and more problematic over time.

As a manager, if you’re not providing continuous, constructive feedback, you’re not fully supporting your team. You’re missing out on opportunities to help them enhance their skills and achieve their goals. It’s not just a missed opportunity – it’s a fundamental part of your role that you’re neglecting.

But this isn’t just about individual growth. Continuous feedback is the lifeblood of any high-performing organization. The best companies create a culture where feedback is welcomed, even encouraged. And remarkable things start to happen: 

1. People grow faster – consistently elevating their performance over time.
2. Accountability increases – everyone understands their position and expectations.
3. Trust and alignment strengthens – you create a more cohesive and effective team.

So, feedback isn’t just a nice-to-have – it’s essential for success. It’s one of the most important ingredients for building a high-performance team. 

But how do you deliver feedback that’s motivating, not discouraging? How do you ensure your feedback is received as helpful guidance, not harsh criticism?

I’ll answer these questions and more in the steps below. So let’s dive into the 5 essential rules of giving feedback the right way… 

Rule #1: Feedback must lead to positive action

This is the golden rule of feedback – it must lead to some sort of positive action or improvement. If the person walks away feeling terrible about themselves, everyone loses. Sounds simple, but you’d be surprised how often managers get this wrong. 

When I give feedback, I always frame it in terms of future action. Instead of dwelling on the negative for too long, I clearly state the issue and then move on to how it can be corrected. Oftentimes I offer my assistance along the way, especially for employees with less experience. 

It’s a subtle shift, but it makes all the difference. And, your delivery matters.

Here are some examples: 

• Don’t: “Your presentation was disorganized and confusing.” 
• Do: “There were some parts of the presentation that were hard for me to follow. Can you work on structuring the key points a bit more clearly? Then we can meet to review the changes together.“
  
• Don’t: “The team finds it offensive that you’re late to every meeting.” 
• Do: “I’ve noticed that you have a hard time getting to meetings on time. Let me know if there’s something I’m not seeing that is forcing you to be late. Then let’s work on timeliness this week and check back in together.”
  
• Don’t: “Your code is too buggy for anyone to use.”
• Do: “I caught quite a few bugs on your last launch. Let’s set up a peer review before you submit next time so we can improve this together.”

See the pattern? Focus on specific actions that will lead to a more positive result. Then set up a check-in so you can give them reinforcement as they make progress. 

Rule #2: Feedback is a two way street

Constructive feedback is a dialogue, not a monologue. If you’re doing all the talking, you’re doing it wrong. It’s critical to create space for the other person to respond, ask questions, and share their perspective.

Here’s how I structure my feedback conversations:

1. I share my observations
2. I ask for their thoughts
3. We discuss potential solutions together

This approach not only makes the feedback more effective, it also helps build trust and mutual respect.

Here an example: 

1. Sharing observations: “Hey Sarah, I’ve noticed that you’ve been working late a lot recently, and some of your team members seem underutilized. It looks like you’re taking on a lot of the work yourself instead of delegating.”
   
2. Asking for their thoughts: “What’s your take on this? Are you facing any challenges with delegating projects to your team that you wanted to solution with me”
   
3. Discussing solutions together: “Alright, I hear you. It sounds like you’re worried about keeping the quality bar up when you’re dealing with high profile clients. Let’s figure out how to educate our team on our standard of quality. Then let’s create a work review process that we can try out and refine together. What do you think about that approach?”

By treating this like collaboration, Sarah’s more likely to buy in and make changes quickly. You went from a lecture to an extremely productive conversation. 

Rule #3: Feedback should be clear and specific

If you want your feedback to make a difference, you need to be clear and specific with the person. What was the issue you observed? What is the area for improvement? What are the next steps towards positive action?

Here’s the approach I use: 

1. Give an example of the issue: “When [XYZ] happened…”
2. Explain the effects on the team: “It had [XYZ effect].”
3. Ask them what their take is on the situation. 
4. Pause to let them take it in and respond. 
5. Come up with next steps towards positive action. 

A rookie mistake is giving feedback that’s too vague, leading to confusion and frustration. 

Here’s an example: 

Feedback that’s too vague:

“Hey Jimmy – You made Tom upset the other day. You really need to be more of a team player.”

Feedback that’s clear & specific:

1. Give an example of the issue:
   “Jimmy, I noticed that in yesterday’s team meeting, when we were discussing the client project, you interrupted Tom three times while he was presenting his ideas.”
   
2. Explain the effects on the team:
   “This disrupted the flow of the meeting and made others hesitant to speak up. Tom also looked visibly upset.”
   
3. Ask for their take:
   “So I wanted to ask you about it. What’s your perspective on what happened?”
   
4. Pause and let them respond:
   Give Jimmy time to process and share his view. Maybe he was excited about the project and didn’t realize he was interrupting. Or perhaps there’s some underlying tension with Tom that you need to address.
   
5. Next steps towards positive action:
   “I appreciate your thoughts, Jimmy. Moving forward, let’s work on active listening together. We can use the next meeting to focus on letting others finish their complete thoughts. If you have concerns or ideas, jot them down and we’ll make sure there’s time for everyone to contribute. Then let’s check in afterwards. How does that sound?”

Rule #4: Don’t wait to give feedback

You should never sit on feedback for too long. The old school annual review is the worst culprit of this. That’s why it’s dying. When you wait to deliver feedback, it either gets stale, or frustrations bottle up and explode. Neither scenario is good for anyone.

These days I give feedback as soon as possible. If I notice something that needs addressing, I don’t wait for the annual review process. Typically I’ll deliver feedback in our next one-on-one meeting (which is scheduled weekly, or every-other-week). I wrote all about one-on-one (1×1) meetings here. 

But if the issue can’t wait, don’t be afraid to simply call the person up and give the feedback on the fly. Quick feedback also means the situation is fresh in everyone’s mind. It’s easier to discuss specifics and come up with actionable solutions when the details are still clear.

Consider these two scenarios: 

Scenario 1: 

Jake: I’m really confused by some of the feedback I got in my annual performance review. It said that I show up to meetings underprepared and even stumble through key points. But I don’t remember ever doing this, or anyone telling me that I screwed up. This is honestly a huge surprise and I’m pretty upset about it. 

Manager: Thanks for asking about this Jake. This feedback was about a meeting you led back in March. I wrote it down so I’d remember to include it in your annual review. 

Jake: Ok, but that was nine months ago. Can you be more specific on what the meeting was? And why didn’t you tell me earlier so I could correct things?”

Manager: I understand your frustration, but that’s just how we do annual reviews around here Jake. Let’s try to improve your preparation skills for this coming year. 

[Jake slams head against wall and then quits a month later]

***

Scenario 2: 

Manager: Hey Jake, got a minute? I noticed in yesterday’s meeting you seemed a bit underprepared. This isn’t like you, so I wanted to ask you about it. 

Jake: Oh man, you’re right. I was scrambling last minute because of an issue at home that turned out to be nothing. But I appreciate you bringing this up so quickly. I’ll prep for these meetings earlier in the future, so I don’t get thrown off so easily.”

Manager: Sounds good – not a problem. I’m also happy to review or give you any early feedback on presentations in the future.”

Jake: Really appreciate that. I’ll nail the next one.

***

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out which scenario is better for both the company and the employee. Bottom line: the sooner you address an issue, the sooner it can be discussed and resolved.

Rule #5: End feedback on a positive note

This last rule is an easy one to forget, but makes all the difference in the world. Always end your feedback sessions on a positive note.

After the next steps towards positive action are established, I usually do the following: 

1. Ask if they think the feedback was fair
2. Invite feedback on yourself: “Is there something I could have done better as your manager here?”
3. Offer a word of encouragement on the future

Here’s an example:

“Okay, Jake, we’re good on the next steps, but before we wrap up I wanted to ask you if you thought the feedback was fair? And make sure we’re on the same page.

[let Jake respond]

“I’m always looking to improve too. Is there anything I could’ve done better as your manager in this situation? Be honest, we’re a team here and I won’t be offended or anything.”

[let Jake respond]

“I know this was kind of a tough conversation, but I want you to know that I see a ton of potential in you, and I think this feedback will only help you crush your role moving forward. And remember, I’m always here for you if you have any questions or want to bounce anything off me. I’m here to help.”

This approach does a few important things. First, it shows that you value their opinion and want to make sure they received the feedback the right way. Second, it shows you’re open to feedback yourself. And third, it ends the conversation on a constructive, forward-looking note.

Bonus tip for giving feedback

Oh, and a word to the wise – choose your communication method carefully when giving feedback. In-person feedback is the best. Video or phone calls are perfectly fine too. But there are some methods you should avoid at all costs when delivering feedback (especially the negative kind):

• Emails are bad
• Slack is worse
• Texts are horrible – and cowardly

Man up, look the person in the face, and give the feedback directly. 

If you follow the 5 rules for how to give feedback in this article, you’ll become a pro in no time. And not only that, your employees will stop running from feedback and actually look forward to it. They’ll start to see your feedback as genuinely helpful.

How I can help you…

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